Description
The Feng Shui Fuck originally appeared in the collection Naughty Stories from A to Z, Volume 3. One reviewer stated: This "feng-shui tale shows you, in delicious detail, how dramatically a life can be turned around when the wrong person exits and the right person enters."
Excerpt:
"What else?”
“Get rid of the cartoon art.” She pointed to my copy of a Lichtenstein from an exhibition I saw at MOMA. “It’s juvenile.”
My brow furrowed. I could feel the wrinkles. I love that print. Again, my voice low and steady, I asked, “What would I put instead?”
“Landscapes. Warm sunsets. Grassy fields. Or a picture of two cranes. They mate for life, you know. And they live to be over 100. They represent infinity.”
“Didn’t know that,” I told her, thinking, Yeah. Cranes. That’s exactly what I’m putting up on my wall. Two fucking birds. What did I look like? A member of the ornithologists’ society? What she was describing sounded like a scene from a dentist’s office.
“You should buy two red candles, to symbolize our love. Plus, you should get rid of the clutter under your bed, and add flesh-colored lampshades to make the room look naked.”
I wanted to look naked, and I wanted her to look naked. I didn’t give two shits about what my room looked like. What was it going to do? Get all dolled up and fuck the bathroom?
“At least, your bed has the headboard against the wall.”
“That’s good?” I asked, glad that I was finally hearing some positive news.
“Yes,” she nodded. “A bed with the back to the wall is in a commanding position.”
Oh, now I got it. My bedroom didn’t want to be the subservient one. It wanted the control spot. I liked that. I had a dom bedroom—and a crazy fucking girlfriend
By Alison Tyler
Photo Riendo
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